Men’s Speech Patterns

August 7, 2008

1. "I can’t find it"

MEANS: It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.

2. "That’s women’s work"

MEANS: It’s difficult, dirty, and thankless.

3. "Will you marry me?"

MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can’t find the washer, and there’s no peanut butter left 

4. "It’s a guy thing."

MEANS: There’s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

5. "Can I help with dinner?"

MEANS: Why isn’t it already on the table?

6. "It would take too long to explain"

MEANS: I have no idea how it works. 

7. "I’m getting more exercise lately"

MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.

8. "We’re going to be late."

MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.

9. "Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard."

MEANS: I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

10. "That’s interesting dear."

MEANS: Are you still talking?

11. "Honey, we don’t need material things to prove our love."

MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.

12. "You expect too much from me."

MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?

 

13. "It’s really a good movie."

MEANS: It’s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women.

14. "You know how bad my memory is."

MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."

MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a thong bikini.

16. "Oh, don’t fuss, I just cut myself, it’s no big deal."

MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.

17. "Hey, I’ve got reasons for what I’m doing."

MEANS: What did you catch me at?

18. "She’s one of those rabid feminists."

MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.

19. "I heard you."

MEANS: I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.

20. "You know I could never love anyone else."

MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."

MEANS: Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.

22. "I brought you a present."

MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game.

23. "I missed you."

MEANS: I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we’re out of toilet paper.

24. "I’m not lost, I know exactly where we are."

MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.

25. "This relationship is getting too serious."

MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.

26. "I don’t need to read the instructions."

MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

 

 

Posted in Jokes, Loretta's Line